Book Review: How to Win Friends and Influence People

There are few books in the self-help genre as widely known as the subject of today's book review: Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.

While it is a classic, I have to admit that I steered clear of it and did not read this one for many years. I found the title off-putting and perhaps manipulative. Some part of me just felt that we don't want to "win" friends as much as build friendships.

I'm reviewing How to Win Friends and Influence People because new leaders and managers are almost certain to have it recommended, there are genuinely helpful tidbits throughout the book, and I want to provide some information so you can prioritize it with your other reading.

The first thing to understand about Carnegie's classic is that it is written from a sales perspective. Whether you are corporate rep selling products, a fund raiser selling a cause, or a politician selling ideas, How to Win Friends is written with you in mind. You are not necessarily looking to build long-term friendships, but do need to establish rapport and trust if you are to succeed in your work.

That is what How to Win Friends and Influence People is really about. In my opinion it is a book on effective salesmanship, not necessarily effective leadership.

With that in mind, 80 years after it was written, many of Carnegie's concepts remain beneficial in most human relationships. A small sampling: show interest in the other person, help people get what they want, remember their name, admit it when you're wrong, be friendly and positive, don't argue, know your audience, etc.

On the topic of knowing your audience...there is one audience that will probably not care for this book: analytic personalities.

The writing style is packed with anecdotal stories illustrating concepts. It can feel like you're sitting with a friendly talkative uncle and at times you want to say, "Uncle, I get it! Can you move on to the next concept?" For analytic types, this way of writing can feel forced, disingenuous, and lacks the hard data to be convincing.

Carnegie even suggests that when trying to persuade, one should use stories, not logic. Again, for most people, stories that create emotional appeal or connection are legitimately more persuasive. But for some, the logic and data are vital.

Overall, I would recommend at least a quick skim of How to Win Friends and Influence People because it is so widely read and there are a number of common-sense suggestions which, if you aren't familiar with them, are very helpful. But when you read it, keep in mind it's goal is more about creating surface-level sales relationships than building deep friendships or establishing leadership credibility.

Happy Reading!

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David shares twenty years experience teaching, coaching, leading, and managing in youth service, education advocacy, city governance, and faith-based nonprofits. He currently serves as Chief Operating Officer for Colorado UpLift and enjoys helping others discover and realize their own potential.

It's Not About You

Photo by cobalt123

Have you ever found yourself intensely frustrated or angry at a team member?

Frequently, this happens because we take what they said, did, or didn't do very personally. Consequently, we start saying to ourselves something like, "How could that little so and so treat me like this!" It is not long before we're mired in anger and adrenalin.

Every emerging leader and manager I've worked with (and not a few veterans!) has experienced this. It takes many forms depending on our own reactions to frustration, but the pattern is the same: someone else does something we don't like and we conclude that they did it to us.

However, effective managers and leaders understand an important secret: it's not about you.

Most of human behavior is not intentionally designed to irritate you, to be disrespectful, or to make you angry. (For everyone starting to shout exceptions - please read on to the end.) To the contrary, most of an individual's behavior is about them - their problems, their needs, their pain, and their view of the world.

A quick example: It is common for a new manager to become frustrated with a team member who does not perform as the manager expects. Often, the manager assumes the employee doesn't respect them or that they're intentionally trying to undermine the new manager. However, the employee may not have performed as expected for any number of reasons:

• They might not have understood expectations.
• They might have had competing expectations from another source or previous employers.
• They might not have the skills to perform the task.
• They might not have adequate time given other demands.
• They might be in a position unsuited to their skills.
• They might have had a bad day personally. The day I found out my wife had cancer, my performance was not up to normal.
• They might not realize their behavior is off-putting or inconsiderate.
• They might not understand the importance of the task and so lack motivation.
• We might have inadvertently hurt them and they lack the skills to deal with this productively. (A partial exception to the "it's not about you" rule.) 

And so on - you can add many more items to the list. The point is that effective leaders and managers are able to step back from their tendency to personalize someone's behavior and investigate why it is taking place.

Please understand, these are not excuses for team members to under-perform. We want to help the individual either acquire the skills and motivation to succeed in this role or to help them find a role more suited to their skills and motivations. You simply cannot do this effectively if you're caught up in personalized anger.

Finally, yes, I know there are rare times where individuals are truly malicious, mean-spirited, and personally disrespectful. In these instances, however, it is often still about them. They have their own reasons, dysfunctions, and pain for acting the way they do. If we refuse to personalize these attacks, reinforce expectations, motivate, and equip for change, we still have acted with compassion and helped them - even if it ultimately means they need to leave the team.

David M. Dye

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David shares twenty years experience teaching, coaching, leading, and managing in youth service, education advocacy, city governance, and faith-based nonprofits. He currently serves as Chief Operating Officer for Colorado UpLift and enjoys helping others discover and realize their own potential.

Book Review: Getting to Yes

Recently, I observed two business professionals get locked into a heated exchange that went something like this:

A: "I want you to give me cookies."

B: "We don't give out cookies."

A: "If you don't give me cookies, I won't work with you."

B: "We don't give out cookies. I have repeatedly found it is bad for business."

A: "Fine, I'm leaving."

I've replaced the actual subject matter with cookies to illustrate a concept known as positional bargaining. Rather than focusing on what both parties really wanted, the focus was on a position - the cookies. They reached an impasse and their discussion rapidly deteriorated.

Overcoming this challenge is one of a number of important concepts discussed in this week's book review subject: Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Fisher, Ury, and Patton. This book is a classic. First published in 1981, it has continued to sell and serve people in all walks of life.

All of us find ourself in negotiations of one sort or another. Getting to Yes is a guide to successfully navigate those negotiations as well as to diagnose when things are not going well and take steps to correct it. One of the most valuable lessons in Getting to Yes is to focus on interests and not positions. In the example above, Person A's interest in having the cookies is never stated. Had the reason behind the request been made clear, the two of them could have focused on addressing the issue and explored solutions that could meet both their interests.

I just want to tease some of this subject matter - my goal with these book reviews is always to encourage leaders and managers to read and absorb the material. The book itself gives a much deeper explanation and is full of additional useful tips. I highlight one of the most important.

One criticism I've encountered Getting to Yes is that it is too idealistic. These critics will often poise a scenario:

Person A: I want you dead.
Person B: Well, I want me alive.

Hmm...is this an irreconcilable difference of position? Maybe...but not necessarily. Again, what are person A's interests? If they truly are mutually exclusive with Person B staying alive, then sure, negotiation probably won't work. But in my professional life I have very very rarely encountered anything approaching that kind of scenario. In general, people do have interests that can be met if they will put the work in.

I recommend Getting to Yes for team leaders, managers, and anyone involved with regular negotiations of any kind - and yes, that includes all of us.

Happy Reading!

David M. Dye

If you know someone who would benefit from this post, please retweet, like, +1, or email it on. Thanks!

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David shares twenty years experience teaching, coaching, leading, and managing in youth service, education advocacy, city governance, and faith-based nonprofits. He currently serves as Chief Operating Officer for Colorado UpLift and enjoys helping others discover and realize their own potential.

Two Leadership Power Words

Photo by John Morgan

Two of the most powerful words in a leader's vocabulary are also some of the most difficult for many leaders to speak.

Last week I wrote about how to ensure we hear the truth. If we commit to hearing the truth, we inevitably discover we screwed up. No leader is perfect - no one I know is perfectly consistent with their own values or treats everyone perfectly all the time. Despite our best efforts, we will let someone down or make a mistake.

When someone brings this to our attention, it is one of the most vital leadership opportunities we ever have.

Two of the most powerful words a leader can ever say?

I'm sorry.

A sincere apology has many benefits:

1) It models accountability. If we want others to take responsibility, we certainly need to do the same.

2) It builds trust and credibility. Leaders sometimes fear that admitting a mistake will undermine their credibility, but the opposite is generally true.

3) It builds relationship. When we apologize, we acknowledge the dignity and importance of those we have hurt.

4) It makes it easier for others to apologize. We've opened the door so others can step through it.

5) It gives us a chance to start over or move on. When we try to move on without an apology, we introduce unresolved issues that can taint the results we're after.

6) It extends grace to ourself and to others.

These are just a few benefits...what else does a good apology do?

David M. Dye

PS: If you find yourself needing to apologize constantly, that is a sign that you may need to develop your competency in a particular area. Find someone to help you acquire the skills you need. Email me if nothing else!

If you know someone who would benefit from this post or the entire blog, please retweet, like, +1, or email it on. Thanks!

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David shares twenty years experience teaching, coaching, leading, and managing in youth service, education advocacy, city governance, and faith-based nonprofits. He currently serves as Chief Operating Officer for Colorado UpLift and enjoys helping others discover and realize their own potential.

Book Review: Crucial Conversations

Today's book review does not feature leadership or management in the title or table of contents. Even so, I personally consider the contents of this book to be among the most critically important skills any leader or manager can learn.

The book is Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler. This is one of the few books I would recommend for anyone regardless of career, role, interests, or background.

I will start with my own observations about why this is such an important topic. None of us are born with the knowledge and skill to have meaningful and productive conversations - especially when the subject matter is difficult and emotions run high. The dialog skills we are born with might keep us alive, but they do not help us thrive, grow close with others, and work together to accomplish dreams.

Those skills we must learn. The tough part is that we need to learn them from people who know them and are able to transfer that knowledge to others. The even tougher part is that there just aren't that many of those people around. So many people live in fear that silences their voice or causes them to silence others.

That's where Crucial Conversations comes into play. The book itself defines a crucial conversation as one where opinions vary, the stakes are high, and emotions run strong. If we consider any of the meaningful areas in our life - whether personal or professional, it's easy to see that the most important parts frequently entail these types of conversations. If we are interacting with people and we care, we need these skills.

This book is essentially a how-to manual that helps the reader diagnose conversations that aren't going well, learn the reasons why this happens, and, most importantly, learn the tools of effective dialog. The tools are easily understood and explained with multiple sample conversations. This is material that you can't read just once and master. Each tool takes time to incorporate into our own conversation tool-belts - it takes practice and reflection.

Perhaps the best recommendations I can offer for Crucial Conversations come from some of my co-workers. We give this book to every employee when they join our organization and we frequently discuss the tools. Over the years, several people have approached me to share that this resource has definitely helped them at work, but that it has transformed or saved their marriage.

Finally, I include such a far-reaching book as a leadership / management recommendation because these roles always involve relationships with others. Any leader or manager wishing to be effective will need the ability to have difficult conversations. I know of no better resource to learn these skills.

Happy Reading!

David M. Dye

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David shares twenty years experience teaching, coaching, leading, and managing in youth service, education advocacy, city governance, and faith-based nonprofits. He currently serves as Chief Operating Officer for Colorado UpLift and enjoys helping others discover and realize their own potential.